Dear Elliott,
I’ve been leading a team for a few years now, and I keep hearing conflicting advice. Some say I need to push my team harder and set high expectations, holding them accountable with what people call “tough love.” Others tell me I should focus more on empathy, making sure my team feels supported emotionally and fostering a nurturing environment. Is there a right way to lead, or can I do both?
Sincerely,
-Torn Between Toughness and Tenderness
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Dear Torn Between Toughness and Tenderness,
This is a dilemma a lot of leaders face, so I’m glad you brought it up! The idea that leaders must choose between “tough love” and nurturing empathy is one of those classic debates that can stir up plenty of controversy. Let’s unpack this and see if there’s a way to bridge the two approaches.
1. The Case for Tough Love
Leaders who champion “tough love” believe that pushing people out of their comfort zones helps them grow. The idea here is that when you set high expectations and hold people accountable, they rise to the occasion. Tough love proponents argue that by not accepting mediocrity and holding firm boundaries, you ultimately do your team a service. You help them stretch their capabilities, sharpen their skills, and reach levels they might not have thought possible.
However, there’s a fine line between tough love and harshness. If done poorly, this approach can lead to fear, burnout, and resentment. If your team feels they can never meet expectations, no matter how hard they try, you’ll create a culture of anxiety rather than high performance.
2. The Case for Nurturing Leadership
On the flip side, a more nurturing leadership approach emphasizes emotional intelligence, compassion, and supporting the overall well-being of the team. Leaders who prioritize empathy believe that when people feel safe, valued, and supported, they are more likely to perform at their best. These leaders focus on listening, providing guidance, and fostering a sense of psychological safety—allowing individuals to take risks, make mistakes, and grow in a less pressured environment.
Yet, there’s a potential pitfall here as well. If taken too far, a purely nurturing approach can be seen as overly lenient or even permissive. If there’s no accountability, people might get comfortable with underperformance or fail to push themselves, leading to stagnation or complacency.
3. The Myth of Either/Or: It’s Not a Binary Choice
Here’s the good news: you don’t have to choose one approach over the other. The most effective leaders blend elements of both tough love and nurturing leadership in a way that suits their team and context. It’s about creating the right balance between high expectations and genuine support.
Here’s how you can integrate both:
Set Clear Expectations, with Flexibility: You can set ambitious goals for your team while still being understanding of individual circumstances. Establish what “success” looks like and make sure everyone knows what’s expected of them, but also allow for some flexibility when things don’t go as planned. Tough love means holding people accountable, but nurturing leadership means being adaptable when challenges arise.
Be Direct, but Compassionate: When offering feedback or addressing performance issues, don’t shy away from the hard conversations. Be direct and honest, but deliver your message in a way that’s compassionate. Show your team that you have their best interests at heart, and you’re offering feedback to help them grow, not to tear them down.
Push for Growth, but Provide Support: Encourage your team to stretch themselves by assigning challenging tasks or setting high standards, but make sure you’re there to support them along the way. Offer coaching, mentorship, or resources they need to succeed. Tough love without support can feel isolating, while nurturing without challenge can feel like hand-holding.
Celebrate Wins, Big and Small: Tough love might focus on what’s not working, but nurturing leaders celebrate progress, even the small wins. Recognizing your team’s efforts can provide the motivation they need to tackle bigger challenges, especially if they’re feeling worn down.
4. Understanding Your Team’s Needs
Different teams, and even different individuals, may require different leadership styles at various points in their journey. Sometimes, you’ll need to lean more on the tough love side to drive results or push through challenges. Other times, especially during periods of stress or transition, you may need to focus more on nurturing and emotional support.
Pay attention to the dynamics within your team. Some people may thrive under pressure, while others need more reassurance and guidance to do their best work. By tuning into their unique needs, you can adjust your approach to bring out the best in each individual.
At the end of the day, tough love and nurturing leadership aren’t opposing forces—they’re complementary tools. The best leaders know how to push their teams to achieve greatness while still offering empathy, support, and compassion. By finding the right balance, you’ll create an environment where people feel both challenged and cared for—a place where they can truly thrive.
You’ve got the tools—now it’s about applying them with wisdom and heart.
Bark the Norm!
Elliott, Chief Morale Officer @Break the Norm Leadership
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